(5) WAZ Awards 2021: Winner Number Five: Her Honor [Cosmo]
In a long day, we got one of Ira’s greenhouses put in, the base anyway, and two thirds of the greenhouse itself, but there were hundreds of screws/nuts/brackets/hinges and so on even before the polycarbonate sheets, so just after dark we called it a wrap and agreed to finish in the morning.
As the sun was going down, Cosmo rode his old lime green road warrior bicycle he calls ‘Mr. Green Jeans’ to the bunker towing a bike trailer weighed down with kettle of lentil soup, rice, Egyptian flat bread, and brownies. “Careful with the brownies.” he said. “Selene baked them. I had one on the ride over. They’re ass kickers.”
Al and Ira took their instruments off the wall and began to tune, which was Roy’s cue that the WAZ was on. Roy himself, still wearing his quilted welder’s cap from tacking the greenhouse hold-downs, and coveralls, thumped the rubber chicken on the bench and rose to the occasion.
“Here ye! Hear ye! Honorable members of the Ancient and Worthy Woodshed Autonomous Zone. Cosmo Fury, author of this great meal, will now edify our white, light, bright, erudite proletariat as to the victimhood of some black racist rich person or other down there in America. Following which we vote on whether or not said candidate qualifies for the coveted, and not given out to just anybody, WAZ Award.” Roy passed the chicken to Cosmo and sat down.
Cosmo handed Al and Ira the first clue, They began to sing:
“Well the South Side of Chicago, is baddest part of town,
and if you go down there you better just beware of a man named Leroy Brown.”
“First clue, Chicago!” Jake took a bite of brownie. “Again?”
Cosmo nodded and handed over the next clue. Al began to sing,
“Short people got no reason, Short people got no reason
Short people got no reason to live…”
Tim rolled his eyes. “Randy Newman? Oh, for God’s sake. Making fun of short people? You do know that tall people have all kinds of advantages in this society, right? Like jobs. Like public speaking. Like…”
Tony pointed out that none of us, except Sonny, are over tall. Tim said that doesn’t matter because no one makes fun of us because we’re short.
“You mean,” Roy said. “We have…height privilege?”
Tim let that go. So far, we had a short, black racist from Chicago.
Cosmo handed over another clue.
Ira began to sing.
Richard J. Daley was the Mayor of our town
‘til that cold day in December when
they laid him in the ground
Daley’s gone, one more round, Daley’s gone.”
And he was always known as the working man’s pal,
That’s ‘cause he grew up in Bridgeport
and he studied at De La Salle…
And Daley’s gone, one more round
Daley’s gone…
“Richard J. Daley.” Gene said. That’s an old Steve Goodman tune he wrote as a requiem for “Boss Daley.”
“We’re looking for a short, black, racist mayor of Chicago.” Sonny helped himself to another brownie. “I know this one. Gimme another clue.”
Al sang a snatch of ‘I Was Dancin’ at the lesbian Bar, oh, oh,
I was dancin’ in the lesbian bar, oh, oh, oh.’
“Short, black, racist, lesbian mayor of Chicago. Now whut’s her name?”
No one knew, Al began to sing .
“In the early morning rain
with a dollar in my hand
and an achin’ in my heart
and my pockets full of sand….”
“That’s Gordon Lightfoot.” Roy said.
“Lightfoot!” Sonny burst out. “Lightfoot. Lori Lightfoot. She’s the Mayor of Chicago. Read about her in the paper when me and Mardell was there for her sister’s wedding.”
“There you go, man. And so fast, too. You guys could be on TV.”
“Then let’s get right to the heart of the matter.” Roy said. “Is she part of the power structure?”
“Ah, mayor of the third largest city in America, man. I’m going to have to say, yes.”
“Is she a rich? ”
“Yeah. Lives in a nice neighborhood, too. The house next door to hers was for sale at over a million.”
“Tell us why she’s WAZ material.”
Cosmo, absorbed by the abalone inlay on Ira’s banjo, didn’t answer.
“Cosmo? Planet Earth calling Cosmo…Come in, Cosmo.”
“Hmmm? Oh yeah, let’s see, Lori didn’t make the WAZ 2020. Close but the competition squeezed her out. I think that’s the reason she upped her game in 2021. In 2020, when Black Looters Mutter was demolishing businesses in Chicago, looting, shutting down the Magnificent Mile, smashing windows at the library, attacking people, including sick kids at the Ronald McDonald House, and whatnot, Her Honor was out to defund the police. Hey Roy, do WAZ candidates get hypocrisy points like last year?”
Roy, still working on his bread and lentils, nodded. “Don’t see why not.”
“In 2020 men in Bridgeport neighborhood, the old Daley stronghold of mostly white Irish guys, looked at all the rioting going on around the city and decided they’d just as soon not have their neighborhood trashed, so they accessorized with pipes, saps, baseball bats and, you know, Chicago blunt force trauma accessories, and started their own patrols. That got the mayoral panties in a twist. She condemned the men. Called ‘em vigilantes. Not okay in Chicago, she says. If you need help you’re supposed to call 911. So, here’s the cops spread out all over the city dodging rocks and bottles from rioters. Mostly black rioters. Lot of cops out sick with Covid…”
“Where does hypocrisy come in, Cosmo?”
“Hypocrisy?” Cosmo thought about it. “Oh, yeah. Chicago’s First Dame has a special detachment of 20 Chicago police officers to guard her 24/7. So she doesn’t need to call 911 ever. Also, and this was hush, hush. She was being guarded by an additional police detail of another 71 Chicago police officers. Hard to keep that quiet when 91 gendarmes are stopping Lori’s neighbors checking their ID’s to make sure they’re not trouble makers as they’re trying to get home. When that story broke Lori says, “Given the threats to my home and my family. I’m gonna do everything to make sure that they are protected. I make no apologies whatsoever for that.”
“Wowww.” Tommy said. “So Lori and white men with bats in Bridgeport are simpatico. It’s good when people of different races agree on social issues.”
“Right on.” Cosmo nodded. “Miscreants go where the targets don’t fight back.”
“Well, at least she didn’t try to blame Donald Trump.”
“Wrong man, Trump offered to send in troops to restore order during the riots. Lori tweeted ‘F…U.’”
Tony said, “Nice role model for the kids of Chicago.”
“She said she wouldn’t allow troops in Chicago. Couple days later she welcomed them in.”
“How about 2021, Cosmo?”
“Where to start, man?” Cosmo thought about it. “Let’s see:
*In 2021 crime was through the roof in Chicago. 660 Chicago police officers left the force. Murders went to a 25-year-high. It was a shooting gallery. About 800 dead. Mostly black people killed by other black people. The Mayor said she wasn’t going to defund the police at the same time she wanted to cut $80 million from their budget. Total wackyness. She starts the old, hummana, hummana, hummana. Starts begging the police for help. After all that about Trump’s troops, in 2021, she rolled out the red carpet for Biden’s Feds to come to Chicago. ATF, FBI, DEA, the whole alphabet soup, because of all the gunshot victims.
“Oh yeah, also in 2021 Lori Lightfoot held a press conference to declare racism a Public Health Crisis…”
“Racism’s a public health crisis?” Jake began to laugh, and couldn’t stop.
That got Tony, going. Then Tommy, Gene, and all around the room.
“I got arthritis from racism.”
“I got flat feet and the piles.”
“ I got Onanism! Had it since I was a teenager.”
“What time is it?”
“White people time. Ask Brittney Cooper.”
Roy pounded the rubber chicken for order, and took a bite of brownie. “Racism is a Public Health Crisis? What’s that supposed to mean? ”
Cosmo shook his head, “Don’t try to make sense of it, man. It’s like the Miss Bum Bum contest. People know a good thing when they see it bouncing down the runway.” He paused. “I think it means that in 2021 the Federal Government made it rain Covid money on cities where politicians could pass it around to their cronies for pretty much anything and everything. Chicago has always been famous for that stuff. Her Lightfingeredness, let Chi town know she’s going to use $9.6 in Covid money to set up half a dozen anti-racism health clinics.”
“Anti-racism health clinic? What’s that mean.”
“Lori calls for: ‘Building capacity for anti-racist leadership.’ ‘Reckoning with the impacts of racism.’ ‘Advancing strategies to operationalize racial equity.’ ‘Empowering transformative community relationships.”
“Whew! Can you imagine sitting through one of those meetings?”
“Some Chicago black folks with the right connections are going to get paid enough they’ll keep a straight face. Let’s see, where was I? Oh, yeah, in 2021 Lori said she wouldn’t give interviews to white reporters.”
“Get out!”
“Yup. That’s how she celebrates diversity at the Mayor’s office. And maybe,” Cosmo said. “pesky white reporters won’t ask why so many families are leaving the city, why so many are getting shot, why she can’t get along with the police union and the teachers unions.”
“So, people are asking.” Tony said. “What does she say?”
Cosmo raised his eyebrows, “ Hmmm? What does she say? In 2021 she gave a press conference and took full responsibility for City Hall being an asylum.” Then he burst out laughing.
“Not really. In 2021 she gave a press conference where she said 99% of criticism directed at her is because of racism and sexism.”
“Well that’s handy. We: the melanin challenged.”
“And sexists.”
“Them, too.”
Cosmo said, “WAZ! Think quick!” and threw Tommy the rubber chicken. Tommy shouted “WAZ!” and popped it to Sonny like a soccer ball. Sonny gave it another “WAZ!” and spiked it at Gene. Around the room it went. By the time the chicken, much the worse for wear, flew into Roy’s arthritic hands, Mayor Lori Lightfoot of Chicago was a solid winner. Congratulations, Ma’am. You could have won it on hypocrisy points alone, but you went above and beyond. Dayley’s gone but Chicago politicians still know how to bring home the bacon.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvwDohEEQ1E
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8UVBgUd9GE
