WAZ Awards 2021: Winner Number Seven: (who is that?) TONY
Tony brought garlic bread, wine, Italian beef with cannellini beans, his restaurant’s famous tira miso for dessert, served with a twenty-year-old port and strong Italian coffee. As we sat with the coffee Al and Ira tuned up.
Roy pulled out the rubber chicken to call the meeting to order: “Here we go again, white, light, bright, height, erudite privileged American gluttons for punishment. I don’t know what International Tony has up his sleeve but if it’s as good as the meal this will be a night to remember. Are you ready, Tony?”
Tony nodded, looked around the room and announced “I got a black racist you all know but none of you knows his name.”
Which got everyone’s attention. He handed Al the first clue. Al looked puzzled then he played a sweet acoustic version of Silent Night.
“Silent Night! Don’t tell me Wokistan is out to ban Silent Night?”
“Is it Shaun King? He wanted to get rid of light skinned Jesus.”
Tony shook his head,
“Christmas. They out to ban Christmas?
Tony raised his hands for, ‘Who knows?’.
“Next clue.” Tony handed it to Ira, who showed it to Al. Now they both looked puzzled. They broke into wild frenetic cords almost familiar but we didn’t get it until Ira belted out
“I’m on the highway to hell,
on the highway to hell,
highway to hell
and I’m goin’ down,
all the way,
I’m on the highway to hell”
I’m here to tell you that song wasn’t meant for a banjo and acoustic guitar.
“Okay, Silent Night, Christmas, Highway to Hell? Black Racist something about Christmas…”
Tony handed over clue number 3 to Al and Ira who made a face and said, “Pffft!” They began to sing:
“I’d walk every step of a mile, and think it was really worthwhile,
to see a parade come marching down the line..
I don’t know a son of a gun, who wouldn’t be willing to run,
to see a parade come marching down the line,
Oh, I love a parade…’
The vibe went around the room like electrical jolt. Everyone groaned.
“It’s that sum bitch who ran into that Christmas Parade on purpose!”
“Hit as many as he could. Swerved to hit ‘em. Wouldn’t stop.”
“Killed five grandmas.”
“Killed a boy.”
“Hit them from behind
“Injured sixty something people.”
“In a Christmas Parade, for Christsake!”
“What’s his name?” Tony asked.
We all looked around. “I dunno.”
None of us did.
“Let me ask you something.” Tony said, “Don’t shout it out. Just raise your hand if you know the name of that white kid in Wisconsin who shot three white guys during the Black Looters Matter riots in 2020.”
Everyone in the room raised his hand.
Tony nodded. “How is it everyone here knows Kyle Rittenhouse’s name but none of you can name Darrell Brooks, a black racist, who mowed down a parade and murdered and hurt all those innocent white people?”
“Well, probably because Rittenhouse was on national news 24/7 for 14 months.”
“Yeah.” Tony nodded, “24/7 for 14 months. A seventeen year old vilified during his trial by the President of the United States, a President old enough to fart dust, who gargled about white supremacists with a picture of that 17-year-old kid as a backdrop. Did Biden apologize to Rittenhouse after the kid was found innocent on all counts by a jury of his peers? Hell no. The day Rittenhouse was found innocent, November 19, 2021, Slow Joe Biden told reporters on the South Lawn of the White House he hadn’t watched the trial—hadn’t even watched the goddamn trial!–but he said he was angry and confused by the verdict!”
“To be fair,” Tommy said. “Confusion is baseline for President Biden.”
“Maybe baseline for his press secretary, too. When a reporter asked her if Biden stood by his comments about Rittenhouse being a white supremacist she refused to talk about it. Refused.”
Tim raised his hand, “Tony, Rittenhouse crossed state lines.”
“That’s the narrative, Tim. But it doesn’t say he could have rode his bike because he lives next to the state line. The rioters came from as far away as Seattle.”
“Are you saying there was no racial ideology in what Rittenhouse did?”
“Zero.” Tony said. “First of all, he gave his phone and computer stuff to the investigators. No racial animus—and you can bet they went through it with a fine tooth comb and you’d have heard if they’d found anything. Second, Rittenhouse had no criminal history. Zero. Zip. Nada. The three white guys he shot all had criminal records my friend, serious stuff. Among the rap sheets was assault, beating up women, or family members, firearms violations… Third, all three of them were part of mobs who attacked Rittenhouse. The first one he shot was reaching for the barrel of his gun…”
“Never let an enemy get that close.” Al said.
Sonny nodded. “I wouldn’t have. Spray ‘em down. That was our orders overseas. And that black guy they called, ‘jump-kick man,’ whut kicked Rittenhouse in the head when he was on the ground, I’da put a bullet up his can and jump-kicked him into his next life.”
“And you’d have gone to prison like Rittenhouse would have if he’d shot a black rioter.” Al observed. “Prosecutors would have milked the ace of spades just as the media was doing in covering his trial. Since he only shot white guys, that race card was a joker. They tried anyway. Because they had no case.”
“We know man, we watched the trial,” Cosmo said. “How does that compare with your black racist?”
“Yeah, Tony. Do tell.” Roy said. “Who is Darrell Brooks?”
“Career criminal going back years before Kyle Rittenhouse was born.” Tony said. “Felonies. Assault and battery. Strangulation and suffocation. On the sex offender registry in Nevada. Knocked up a 15-year-old girl. Reckless endangerment with a dangerous weapon, possessing firearms as a felon, bail jumping, punched the mother of his child, poor thing, in the face then punched a woman who went to take her to the women’s shelter. And you should read his social media comments encouraging blacks to attack white people, including old white people Anybody want to guess his artistic venue?”
“Let me take a walk on the wild side.” Ira said. “Darrell’s an aspiring rapper.”
“Bingo! And get this. You remember the color of that car he ran over those grandmothers with? What color was it?”
“Red.” we said.
“Well, it seems that was his mother’s car. What a tough guy, eh? In his thirties, living with his mother, driving mom’s car to murder people. What they missed on TV was, there’s a rap video he did where he’s rapping in front that same car, you can see the license plate.”
“Surely our Commander in Chief, representing as he has sworn to, everyone in this great country, surely I say, he denounced the racist Darrell Brooks, Jr.” Al said.
“Biden? He hiked up on one cheek and let out a duster to the public along the lines of, “Well gee. Wasn’t that too bad.” Nothing about race. Nothing to see here, folks. Keep moving. The media put out a scrubbed and sanitized blip the week it happened. Then it disappeared.”
“Good points all, Tony.” Roy said. “Good points. But WAZ criteria says the winners have to be part of the power structure, and have to be rich. Doesn’t seem like a guy living with his mother, driving his mother’s car, qualifies. Racist yes. But WAZ?”
Tony shook his head. “You kiddin? Listen my friend, this maggot disappeared off the front page faster than Houdini. Who here has the power to do that if they were mass murderers? And rich? A regular murder trial costs the public over a million. This one’s a lot more than regular. And Junior Brooks is a jail house lawyer. So much he insisted on being his own lawyer. He let the court know he was a sovereign citizen. Didn’t help his case rolling his eyes at the grieving family members when they made their impact statements. And telling the court his conscience is clear. Bet me he’s not going be filing appeal after appeal until the day he dies. And that’s on top of all it costs to keep him in jail for the rest of his life. Add all the expenses for medical care, funeral expenses, lost income, for his victims… millions.”
“Well, I can go with that. Any objections? Tim?”
“I do have an objection.” Tim said. “It seems to me I saw that the attacker is mentally ill. Bipolar, I think.”
“That’s a one-way street.” Sonny said. “Been down it before. You ever hear anyone say white supremacists should get a buy ‘cause they’s crazy? No. ‘Sides, even if Junior Brooks is nuts, so whut? Criminals got rights, crackpot’s got rights, what about them grannys in that parade? And them kids. And their families. You think they ain’t got no rights? Well I do. To hell with Darrell Brooks Junior. To hell with the District Attorney who let him out of prison so he could attack that parade. To hell with the media whut gives him a free pass. To hell with Biden who don’t condemn him for whut he done.”
“Well, Sonny. Tell us how you really feel.” Roy said.
“He’s right, Roy.” Tony put in. “You telling me a guy who’s able to find his way around a city in a car, who’s able to find the mother of his child and punch her in the face, able to go around traffic barriers, able to talk to people on the way, isn’t able to figure out swerving to run over people singing and dancing in Christmas Parade is wrong?”
“Not saying that at all. Not implying it either.” Roy said. “In fact, I’d say it’s time for a vote on Darrell Brooks Junior. Should DBJ get the WAZ? All in favor say, ‘Aye.’
“AYE!”
“Opposed?”
“Nay.” Tim said.
“Christ Tim, Nay? What if it was your momma he run over?”
“One man, one vote, Sonny.” Roy said. “Tim’s got a right to his as we all do. That said, Darrell Brooks, you murdering so and so, who will never see the light of day again, you can hang the WAZ Award for 2021 on the bars of your cell, alongside your clear conscience for the next eight hundred years.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlJsQ_SyhBw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l482T0yNkeo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVchEmGrkMc
