Black Racists of 2020 The WAZ Awards
Our esteemed rainforest committee chairman Roy Sequoia was the lucky draw for this week’s wonderful WAZ awardee, Oprah Winfrey. Occupation: Roy’s a semi-retired, diesel mechanic, specializing in engines and hydraulics for the small boat commerical fisheries. He’s extremely arthritic and has a habit of popping his right shoulder when it locks up which some people find unnerving. Qualifications: Roy’s the guy every man wishes he had for a grandfather. Fair, stern, has a laugh like a hippopotamus falling off a swing-set, builds boats, snow sleds, and tree houses supposedly for kids but uses them himself when he thinks no one’s looking. Only one we know who’s read Will Durant’s History of Civilization, and the King James version of the Bible all the way through.
“Well, white penis, melanin challenged, European Jesus worshiping, mutants, it looks like I’m in the hot seat tonight.” he said, “so I’ll jump right in and start by observing that in this country today, you could put ‘Racism’ on the front page of the Butte County Livestock Report and sell a million copies. Global warming, ocean acidification, dirty wars, over population, famine, the Congo genocides, species extinction…forget all that small stuff. Let’s talk about racism some more, and some more, and some more. Black celebrities tell white bobblehead talk show hosts all the time, “We’re not very good at talking about race in this country.” The bobbleheads nod, like the congnitive dwarfs they are. Never saying, “Gosh, black person, what we lack in quality, we sure as hell make up for in quantity.”
Which brings us to WAZ nominee number 4. Oprah Winfrey—the Godzilla of talking. She’s a talk show host herself. And no, her WAZ is not yours truly sucking up to to get an invite on her show and monetize his brand. I ain’t got no stinking brand.”
$2,600,000,000 victim and a crocodile handbag
“Oprah made the WAZ review because she can talk about ‘white privilege’ with a straight face. Woman’s estimated net worth is $2,600,000,000. Think about all those zeros. This summer, when a white audience member had the affrontery to say that a lot of white people struggle, Oprah said, “You still have your white skin. No matter” Which is not as funny as when she asked the Daili Lama, “How can someone attain true happiness in a culture that emphasizes materialism?” but in terms of self-unawareness, it’s in that league. Did I mention Oprah owns six mansions?”
“A lot of us white people who grew up below Lyndon Johnson’s abject poverty line, hear “You still have your white skin. No matter” and think, “Dumb.” But no matter.
“Here’s one of the most famous, influential people who ever walked. Media mogul. Actress. Writer. Television star. Hangs out with the royals. Hangs out with celebrities. Jets all around the world. A dame who can afford life’s essentials. Like that $38,000 crocodile handbag.”
Al Purdy raised his hand. “$38,000 for a woman’s handbag?” he said.
“You heard right, brother Al. A handbag in Zurich, Switzerland, which is a long slither for a croc, don’t you know. Oprah had dropped in there for Tina Turner’s wedding. The bag was made of skin that looked better on the crocodile, selling for more money than the average American full-time working stiff brings home in a year. Oprah let Larry King know later that the saleswoman in the shop didn’t think she could afford it because she’s black. Called it, “a really interesting incident” where she was “directly confronted with racism.”
Ira, who runs the local sawmill. said, “To be fair, Roy, I’m guessing no clerk ever implied you couldn’t afford a $38,000 crocodile bag.”
“Good point.” Roy admitted. “You got me there. Now where was I, oh yeah, the luxury chain in Zurich apologized to Oprah publicly, so did the Swiss Tourism Office. Swiss Tourism Office! That’s some serious clout. But it wasn’t enough to intimidate the little sales clerk who’d worked at the counter for five years. She made a laughing stock of Big Oprah by swinging back, publicly, with her version. Which is that Winfrey made the whole thing up. Didn’t happen.
Call it wealthism, but I have more confidence in the honesty of working people than billionaires. The young woman said,
“I don’t know why she is making these accusations. She is so powerful, and I am just a shop girl.” “This is absolutely not true that I declined to show her the bag on racist grounds. I even asked her if she wanted to look at the bag.”
“I didn’t hurt anyone. I don’t know why someone as great as her must cannibalize me on TV. … If it had all taken place as she claimed, why has she not complained the next day at the wedding of Tina Turner with Trudie Goetz, my boss? She was there also at the Turner wedding as a guest I don’t understand it.”
After that, Oprah backpedaled a bit. Hummana Hummana Hummana, offered a non-apology, “…wish I hadn’t mentioned the city…” By strange coincidence, at the same time Oprah claimed to be a victim of racism, she was peddling a movie about…racism. Some pundits were skeptical of the timing.
‘Poor Oprah” Sven said, “She yust a victim”
“She toughed it out.” Roy nodded, “While Oprah was a rising star in media land, I spent four years in the military. Pretty much everybody in my boot camp company grew up poor. A lot of us ended up there as an alternative to prison or an early grave. Messed up as it is, the military’s an equal opportunity employer. If I got some community collge and bought a house after I got out, it wasn’t because of my white skin. Anybody of any color who finishes their hitch with an honorable discharge could do the same.
After getting out I worked every job I could find. Washing dishes, swinging a hammer, working the canneries, graveyard shift and back-to-back shifts. It was my white privilege to get out there and hump it. I got myself into mechanics and in time was my privilege to show up at Sven’s boat at three in the morning to troubleshoot a bad injector so he could get back out fishing.
Working class wealth
“So when someone with a net worth today of a couple thousand times as much as I made in my whole working life talks about my white privilege you know what? …C’mon. Gimme a what?”
“Tell us what, oh exalted one.”
“What it is?”
“She’s right.” he said. “She’s absolutely right. I was raised in a house where my mother would make pancakes with blueberries we’d picked ourselves and say, “I wonder what the poor rich people are eating this morning.”
“Because of that, I grew up feeling sorry for rich people. They didn’t get to eat pancakes with blueberries they picked themselves. As kids, we didn’t grasp the concept of poverty. Nor victimhood. If we fell down we were told to ‘jump up,’ and maybe get a side of ‘Well, look where you’re going next time.’
“Sitting here in all my Anglo Saxon glory, I don’t mind admitting I’m so much more privileged than Oprah Winfrey, she doesn’t know the half of it. Far as that goes, I’m more privileged than Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk put together. Because I have enough to eat, a roof over my head, been married forty years to the same knock-out woman. How much more could a person ask? Billionaire snobbery is chicken feed compared to working-man’s snobbery.”
“To my mind, super rich people are human cruise ships, roaring blast furnaces burning full-throttle through the last resources of the earth. Their lives are orgies of excess trying to fill some hole inside. Which would have happened by now if it was going to. The rich sit in boardrooms with cut throats who’d destroy them just because they can. We sit in the woods with our friends who’d give us the shirt off their backs in a rainstorm. They breathe smog, and chemicals, and recycled air. We breathe spruce and hemlock and wind off the north Pacific. They get room service at a 5-star hotel. We get venison backstrap with potatoes and lettuce we grew ourselves. What say you, white skinned friends of mine? Will the Big O get to hang the coveted WAZ on her trophy wall? Can I have a vote for this poor woman?
Well, with arguments like that, what could we say? Oprah, we still have our white skins and we love you, no matter.
Supporting apartheid saves Oprah’s WAZ award
Now that selections are final, it can be told that Ted Cruz caused considerable consternation at the Woodshed Autonomous Zone when he called Oprah’s ‘white skin, no matter’ statement, “racist BS”. Appalled, the committee was ready to pull Oprah’s nomination. Everyone felt that agreeing with Ted Cruz about anything required us all to at least step back and evaluate ourselves. Also, it could compromise the integrity of the WAZ since Cruz calling somebody racist was like Mitch McConnell calling somebody an asshole. It just takes the air out of the tire.
Roy was adamant she should still get the award based on hypocrisy points, which we’d agreed would apply. He said, “She thinks South Africa’s the greatest because it was a white European apartheid state and now it’s not. At the same time, she supports the last white, European colonial apartheid project left on the planet.”
NuGene said, “Oprah supports Israel?”
Tim asked, “Who says Israel’s an apartheid state?”
“South Africa does!” Roy told him, “The South African ambassador to the UN does! The African National Congress does! Jewish ANC member Ronnie Kasrils does! South African Arch Bishop Desmond Tu Tu does! Oprah claims to be a Christian—Desmond Tu Tu asked American Christians to recognize Israel as an apartheid state and boycott it! Former South African Prime minister Hendrik Verwoerd said Israel was an apartheid state back in 1961 when South Africa still officially was an apartheid state. Nelson Mandela himself said, “We know our freedom will be incomplete without the freedom of the Palestinians.” Nelson Mandela’s grandson Chief Zwelivelile Mandela, who is both a chief and a member of the ANC, called Israel ‘the worst form of apartheid ever witnessed.’ Now, if leadership of the South African government doesn’t recognize apartheid when they see it, no one does. I ask you, where’s Oprah?”
Tim said, “If the South Africans recognize Israeli apartheid, maybe Oprah does, too.
Roy shook his head, “Let me read some headlines.”
“Oprah Talks to Elie Wiesel, That was in November 2000, coincidentally, right after the start of the second Palestinian Intifada when Gaza Palestinians were fighting for their human rights. Elie Wiesel was apartheid Israel’s front-man for decades. Here’s another one:
“Oprah visits Auschwitz with Nobel Laureate and Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel, that was in 2006, just a few weeks before Israel invaded Lebanon, killed and wounded thousands, displaced over a million. And, funny thing about that interview, it keeps resurfacing with hundreds of thousands of views on the internet when Israel attacks Arabs, or when human rights reports come out about Israeli atrocities, or when the United Nations is about to vote to censure Israel for human rights violations. Here’s another one:
‘Oprah coming to Israel for solidarity visit’
“That was Elie Wiesel inviting her to Israel back in 2007 and she accepted. I don’t know if she actually went. But Israel has milked it to this day. Solidarity’s the by-word of class and race struggle. You think that word pops up in an Israeli headline with Oprah and Israel, up at the top of my internet search by coincidence? 2007 was between Israel’s fifth invasion of Lebanon and Israel’s Operation Cast Lead massacre in 2008 when Israel slaughtered 1,400 brown people in Gaza, including 344 children, 110 women, 117 elders. Palestinians, fighting back with next to nothing, killed a total of —9—Israelis, 3 of them civilians. Where was Oprah? Watching from her mansions.”
AND BY THE WAY! The Israelis timed the start of their Cast Lead bombing attack for when schools were letting out and the maximum number of children would be in the streets. If a white air force bombed Oprah’s South African girl’s school, think she’d keep quiet?
“What broke South Africa’s apartheid regime and freed Nelson Mandela? A world wide boycott of South Africa. Today there’s a worldwide boycott of Israeli colonies. It’s modeled after the South African boycott. It freaks Israel out. Where does Oprah stand on BDS? Anybody know? Silence is violence.
Tim said, “Just because she’s neutral on the Palestinians doesn’t mean she’s against them.”
Roy shrugged, “According to Wiesel it does, he said, ‘We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.’ Here’s another one:
“Oprah Winfrey would be a pro-Israel President.’ was a title in the Israeli paper Haaretz. And another:
Denying the Israel bashers—Kudos to Oprah and other principled stars.
“How about this one from Oprah’s media empire? ‘On the front lines of dieting’ 14 Palestinian and Israeli women—are you ready? Go on a diet together!”
There was a collective gasp, “Noooooo.”
“Oh yes,” Roy said. Was there ever a more repulsive pile of steaming feel-good manure? That was 2009, same year as ‘Cast Lead.’ I say again, I nominate Oprah Winfrey for the Top Black Racists of 2020 awards. Not because of what she says about white people, but because of what she doesn’t say on behalf of millions of brutally oppressed Palestinians.
Tony seconded, all voted Aye, except Tim, who abstained again.
And so, from our jolly crew here at Woodshed Nation, Oprah, congratulations. We hope you’ll bring that $38,000 handbag to the awards ceremony if we get around to having one.
Special WAZ Bonus Section: The Gaza Diet
Oprah’s famous for diets. She owns stock in diet corporations and she’s gone stumping for food conglomerates that make diet meals for overweight Americans. Forget that half-stepping. The committee thinks The Gaza Diet that Israel imposed would be a smash hit for Oprah.
In Gaza, 2 million people are trapped in an area smaller than Bakersfield, California. Half the population is under 18-years-old. Israel controls all borders, land sea and air. More to our point here, they control every calorie that goes in and out.
Years ago, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert’s advisor Dov Weisglass came up with a plan to cut Gaza’s calories to a point where Israel could weaken the population, making it more docile and dependent on Israel, but stopping short of killing people by starvation, which would make Israel look bad internationally. Dov said: “The idea is to put the Palestinians on a diet, but not to make them die of hunger.”
Here’s our plan: A bunch of studio dieters go to Oprah’s 42-acre Montecito estate, which she calls: ‘The Promised Land’ (really).
*Surround the Promised Land with 30 foot concrete walls, gun turrets, and razor wire. Bulldoze 100 meters on Oprah’s side for a killing zone. Shoot anyone who tries to get in or leave.
*Cut Montecito’s calories to the point where dieter’s have got enough to live but not enough to…live their best lives. Cut off power and fuel. Shivering can burn 400 calories per hour, Woo hoo!
*Allow only Gaza water which is 99% contaminated with sewage. Everybody gets dysentery. Lose weight like crazy…
*Best of all, it’ll be paid for with American tax money and any Americans who object will be labeled racist, anti-Semite, white supremacists.