Black Racists of 2020 The WAZ Awards
WAZ winner number five is a young black man named Random. Random’s typically unemployed, homeless, or ‘an aspiring rapper’. His entitlement is like ancient Rome’s ruling class had where they could punch people on the street, laugh about it, pay a small fine, and then do it again. This week’s racist likes to sucker punch white people, mostly older white women, sometimes old men. He gets away with it just like Roman nobility, except he doesn’t have to pay a fine.
Random was researched by WAZ’s biker cowboy Sonny Stokes. Sonny’s Occupation: Jack of All Trades, Master of None. He works for himself, where he wants, when he wants, but if he says he’ll be there, he’ll be there on time ready to go, and you’d better be, too. Welding, plumbing, tree felling, dirt work, anything electrical, if it’s broke Sonny can fix it. If he can’t it’s time to get rid of it. Qualifications: Sonny comes from Tarzan, Texas. He’s a sensitive man, tattooed wrists to neck with flags, skulls, sniper scope, ‘Death Before Dishonor,’ and he’s got Fred Astaire tattooed on his hairy right forearm and Ginger Rogers tattooed on his left, because Sonny teaches ballroom dancing. A counselor got him into that when he was just back from Iraq. A judge sentenced Sonny to counseling after Sonny was arrested for setting the record (which still stands) for fastest run from one end of the road system to the other—on a Harley—at three o’clock in the morning. Turned out that Random wasn’t the best fit for Sonny.
Chairman Roy called the meeting to order: “Your attention please, melanin challenged, European Jesus worshiping, mutants. Woodshed Nation is proud to present our own Sonny Stokes here this evening to give us the low-down on a famous character whose name we all see, but don’t register, every week of the year. Take it away, Sonny.” We all settled in to listen.
“I tell you whut.” Sonny said, “Trying to find out what race this sum bitch is, or his victims, is like chasing a fart around a skillet. You know how calling a white woman ‘Karen’ is a racial slur against white women now? Some white woman the media accuses of entitlement is national news down there in America and people are just fine with that but this goddam Random here, who is black, sucker punches a 92-year-old white woman in the head and knocks her into a fire hydrant. Does our politically correct, chickenshit media call a spade a spade? No! That don’t fit the narrative. They say, ‘Random Attack,’ No mention of race. “Random Attack.” Always. That’s his last damn name. He’s Random Attack.”
Uncle Tim said, “Sonny, you can’t say, ‘call a spade a spade.”
Sonny looked at Tim like he’d grown an arm out the top of his head. “Whut?”
Uncle Tim, “It’s insensitive to black people. It could be taken the wrong way.”
Sonny went quiet.
Cosmo, said, “Sonny’s got the floor, man. Put a sock in it.”
Tim, “Well, I’m just saying…”
Roy , “Oh, for Chrissake, Tim. Calling a spade a spade goes back more than two thousand years. It means speaking the truth. Now, Stokes is speaking his truth. He has the floor. Go ahead, Sonny.”
Sonny held up a fat sheaf of papers, “Every attack here. Every Random Attack, has a video or picture of it. Young black men sucker punching white women, old white men, or white children. All the attackers are black. Couple of them I still haven’t been able to find a picture of the victim, but after looking at a few hundred of these goddam articles,” he gave Tim the stink eye, “if anybody here wants to put a hundred bucks on it, my money says they’re white. Any takers? No? Okay then.”
“On Christmas Eve this year black Random snuck up behind a 53-year-old white woman and smashed her in the head with a concrete block. A concrete fucking block! Did they mention race? No. It’s on video so you can figure it out but they don’t mention what color he is, or the victim is.
“Here black Random pushed a white woman onto the subway tracks with a train coming.”
“Here, black Random sucker punched a disabled 77-year-old white man who was pushing a grocery cart into the store.
“Here, black Random punched an 82-year-old white woman in the head, and…”
“Well, these guys could be mentally ill, you know.” said Tim.
“So could you!” Sonny said. “What’s the diagnosis for somebody who won’t see what’s right in front of his goddamn nose?”
“Anosognosia,” Gene said. “noun. an inability or refusal to recognize a defect or disorder that is clinically evident. ”
“Oh to hell with big words, Gene. Call it denial. Jesus H. Christ! Mentally ill, Tim? Mentally ill? This poor woman’s got a busted skull and a brain bleed. What color is Random who did it? What color? Hunh? You can’t say it can you? What color? You can’t do it! If that was your grandma would you say, ‘Oh poor Random. He’s got problems. He’s mental, he’s poor, he’s homeless…? Hollow point in the forehead would solve all his problems right now. And you tell me: you ever seen an article that said a neo Nazi or a white supremacist was mental? No, they’re just racists and that’s that. Calling a spade a spade. You think if they was white men punching old black women in the head that the national media wouldn’t be blowing a racial shitfest all over the country? Well answer godammit!”
Cosmo moved between Sonny and Tim, “Easy, man.”
“Oh, easy man.” Sonny said, “Suck a wrench, Cosmo. You too, Tim. You too, Roy. And you, Sven, and you, and you and you. You’re all chickenshit. Read it yourselves.” He threw his papers down on the table. Slammed the door behind him and was gone. We heard the big Harley barrooopppp op op op outside and you could tell by the sound that gravel was a-flying down that windy old road.
No one spoke in the room with us listening to him punching through his gears as the roar faded into the distance until all was quiet.
Roy looked around with that enigmatic smile of his. “In hindsight,” he said, it might have been easier on Sonny if we’d given him Oprah to look into instead.” Which broke the ice. Everyone smiled, except Tim who takes things too seriously.
“Not to worry,” Roy told him, “He’ll be back next week if he doesn’t kill himself on the road. May as well read these since he did the work.”
Everybody took a page. Sonny had gone above and beyond. This was Random for 2020, but from the notes it was clear Random’s been around for years. Maybe looking at so many of them explained why Sonny’d got so wound up. He’d printed off copies, made notes in the margins, put an asterisk on the ones where he couldn’t find the victim’s race. Earlier years we put aside, here are few Random’s adventures in 2020:
01.08.2020 Woman randomly attacked, punched repeatedly after exiting Manhattan subway.
02.18.2020 Man suffers fractured skull in random attack on UWS, sources say
06.16.2020 Serial random attacker cuffed in hydrant head smash of 92-year-old NYC woman: Cops
06.17.2020 Video captures random attack on man out walking dogs in Santa Ana.
07.06.2020 Cowardly attack: Disturbing moment ’12-year-old boy dancing on street is sucker-punched from behind in random attack.
07.22.2020 Man tries to shoot woman in seemingly random NYC attack
07.30.2020 68-year-old woman pushed onto subway tracks in random NYC attack.
08.04.2020 Disabled man, 77, randomly attacked outside grocery store.
08.17.2020 Queens man charged in ‘unprovoked’ Grand Central Terminal shooting
“Hey!” Gene said, “Found one where they mention race! In Colorado 08.26.2020 Man accused of attempted murder and hate crime yelled ‘Black lives matter’ before stabbing, police say. Random attacked a guy with a machete, shouting ‘Black Lives Matter.’ The white guy was walking his dog. Random threatened to kill him and his dog both. The white man grabbed a stick and put Random on the run.”
“How was the dog?”
“Dog was okay.”
10.11.2020 Suspect sought for shoving man onto Midtown subway tracks in random attack.
10.14.2020 Arrest made in random face slashing injury that left teen injured in
10.23.2020 Woman, 28, shoved onto Times Square subway tracks in unprovoked attack
10.23.2020 Man accused of shoving woman onto Times Square subway tracks busted in the Bronx.
11.15.2020 Suspect arrested in ‘random’ attack on actor Rick Moranis.
11.21.2020 Woman sexually assaulted in random attack near Destiny, USA, suspect identified.
11.23.2020 Cops release video of man being shoved onto subway tracks in Brooklyn
11.30.2020 11th random, violent attack reported in Waltham
12.11.2020 Man slashed in apparent random attack at Manhattan subway station
12.16.2020 Suspect wanted in Random attack on elderly man in Miami Beach in custody: Police.
12.23.2020 Employee working for city park in Florence stabbed to death in random attack.
12.23.2020 Cuomo staffer hit in head with cinder block during random NYC attack
12.31.2020 74-year–old Queensbridge man sucker punched in random attack: NYPD
01.06.2021 A man suspected of random assaults on women at a Brooklyn subway station.
Gene held up another. “Here’s one that doesn’t belong. 08.31.2020 Oregon hunter gored by elk he shot with a bow and arrow.
“Oh, man that belongs there most of all.” Cosmo chuckled. “Sonny told me about that one. See, in his mind he’s the elk and Random is the guy who thinks he can waste him and get away with it. If Sonny was there for any of those attacks Random would never know what hit him, you know? Random’s arrogant like that hunter. No match for an elk or a Texan with dancing shoes.”
Roy called for a vote. The Aye’s had it by a landslide. We don’t expect we’ll ever meet you in these woods, Random, but we’ll give you the WAZ in hopes that one day we’ll read about you in the funny papers when you learn the hard way that there’s still bull elk in big cities down there in America.