[Editor’s note: Chairman Roy drew this guy originally but Ira asked him if they could switch. Roy was okay with that.]
Winner number six is Boston University professor Ibram Kendi, author of, ‘How to be an Antiracist.’ It’s a good title except for that misplaced prefix Anti. Average student expenses at Boston University (tuition/room/board/fees/books/etc) according to BU website are $77,662 per year. Which is well above twice the take-home salary of the average full-time working American.
Cosmo set a bell in front our WAZ Researcher of the week, Ira Lane. He said, “This came in the mail today. My friend Palden from Seattle sent it. No message except it came from his village in Tibet. I’m not sure what it means but I think we should ring it when we start, and when we end. In between, we’re fully present. Everybody okay with that, say Aye.” “Aye” “Opposed?…‘Nobody opposed.’. Okay Ira, hit it.”
Ira’s occupation: Owner: Last Chance Sawmill & Timber Framing Company. Selective logging using mostly standing dead yellow cedar. Everyone in the Woodshed Autonomous Zone shows up for raising day on Ira’s buildings, and the keg/bluegrass party after. Qualifications: Grew up in Bennington, Vermont. Phillips Exeter Academy, Harvard School of Business, made a shitload of money in corporate real estate, rubbed elbows with the elites, wasn’t happy, became obsessed with post and beam joinery. He lives with his wife Leah and their daughter, Jenna who frequently dodges school to spend the day with her dad at job sites. Jenna’s twelve and the winningest child that ever lived. We’re all her surrogate uncles. Lil’ Punkin, as we’ve called her since we met her at three months, is adopted from Jamaica. Which explains why Ira wanted a piece of Kendi.
Black academician: Boston Orwellian
Ira flicked the bell with his finger like he was playing marbles. A beautiful Bwoooiiinnnnng resonated around the room for more than a minute. When it grew quiet, Ira began.
“Ibram Kendi. A few years ago the Boston University student newspaper said the average BU full professor compensation package is $210,700/year. No idea what Kendi’s W-2 looks like but it’s safe to guess he’s knocking back a couple times what the average American working stiff brings home. He’s got a Guggenheim Fellowship, Francis B. Cashen Fellowship, Andrew W. Mellon Professorship, National Book Award, New York Times Best Seller, he’s Director of Boston University ‘Center for Antiracist Research’ which he started himself, and to which Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey gave ten million dollars just six weeks after Kendi launched it.
“Holy Smokes!.” Jake said. “Ten million!”
Ira shook his head. “It’s nothing. Dorsey’s estimated net worth is $12.3 billion. What that means is, him giving Kendi ten million would be like you or me, if we had $100, giving somebody 8 cents.”
Chairman Roy, “8 cents he can probably write off his taxes.”
“Probably, so this guy has money and power in his corner but what really locks him with the shtupper elites, which they’d never try to ram home by themselves, is Ibram Kendi advocates an amendment to the U.S. Constitution that would ban unacceptable ideas.”
“The hell you say.”
“The hell I do. Specifically, “The amendment would make unconstitutional racial inequality over a certain threshold, as well as racist ideas by public officials (with “racist ideas” and “public official” clearly defined).” If that’s not enough for you, Kendi also calls for establishing and—permanently funding— a Department of Anti-Racism. (DOA) which would be,“…responsible for preclearing all local, state and federal public policies to ensure they won’t yield racial inequity, monitor those policies, investigate private racist policies when racial inequity surfaces, and monitor public officials for expressions of racist ideas. The DOA would be empowered with disciplinary tools to wield over and against policy makers and public officials who do not voluntarily change their racist policy and ideas.” *
“‘Permanently funding’ is a show me the money. Who do you suppose will end up as Director of that? Nobody at this table. Who will define “racist ideas” and “public official?” Who will monitor public officials’ ideas? This whole concept, if society accepts it, is an extension of the mentality that drove the drug war for seventy years. “Drugs bad, we need to blindfold the Constitution so police can get the bad guys.” How did that work out for the black community?”
Our woodshed crew was having trouble with the whole concept. ‘They couldn’t do that here, right?’
“That and more.” Gene said. “There’s a Black Lives Matter splinter group that wants to form a ‘Race Offender’s Registry’, which would be like the Sex Offender Registry, and ban alleged racists from living or working near ‘communities of color.’”
“Do they talk about black racists being banned from living and working near white communities?”
“If they did, where would Kendi live?”
“You best all mind your P’s and Q’s,” Gene said, “else I’ll have to turn you in to the Race Offender Registry.”
How Ibram Kendi helped Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee and offended the WAZ
“Something I’d like to know.” Roy said. “With all the competition in 2020. How’d this guy Kendi make the list?”
Ira said, “His name came up at our house this summer when he one-upped Monica Cannon Grant’s white penis rant.”
“Not possible!” we said
Ira nodded. “It was to us. This summer Amy Coney Barrett was the Supreme Court nominee. She and her husband, both white, have seven children. Two of them are adopted from Haiti. Based apparently on a photo someone had labeled as Amy Coney Barrett, Ibram Kendi came out, in writing, with the accusation that white ‘colonizers’ (his word) have or adopt black children to use them as props, to prove they (the white parents) aren’t prejudiced.”
Ira took out a piece of paper and began to read, “Some White colonizers “adopted” Black children. They “civilized” these “savage” children in the “superior” ways of White people, using them as props in their lifelong pictures of denial, while cutting the biological parents of these children out of the picture of humanity.And whether this is Barrett or not is not the point. It is a belief too many White people have: if they have or adopt a child of color, then they can’t be racist.”
“Holy shit!” Sonny said, “What if Lil’ Punkin saw that?”
Ira said, “Lil’ Punkin did see that. One of the other kids at school found it on the internet. Kids can be mean.”
“Sum bitch!” Sonny said, “And that University didn’t fire his ass?”
“No, Boston University rolled out the red carpet for the Sum Bitch. Not everybody did, though. A fast moving shit-storm swept Kendi’s inner tube outside the breakwater of academia into the rough seas of reality where he swamped then backpaddled for shore sputtering the old hummana, hummana, hummana non-apology. He deleted his racist twit against Amy Coney Barrett. Went on the offensive. Accused people calling him out for racism of changing his message. “These live and fake bots are good at their propaganda. Let’s not argue with them.”
Ira looked around, “You just heard his quote. Is speaking to it propaganda?”
“This is messed up. What about black people who adopt white kids? Or white people who adopt Asians, First Nations, Peruvians or whatever?”
“Or any couple adopting children from another race.”
“Fun fact,” Ira said, “White supremacist Richard Spencer retweeted Ibram Kendi’s tweet about white people adopting black children with approval, writing: “Not Wrong.” As many writers noted, Kendi and Spencer are peas in a pod.”
Ira rang the bell to signal he was done. “Now Roy, this is my kid I’m talking about so maybe you’ll tell me what’s so funny about this?
Sure enough, Roy was grinning ear to ear.
He said, “Well, Ira, I think old Ibram is a riot. By calling adopted black kid’s props, he was able to to distract everybody in America, including you guys, from the elephant in the living room. “
We all chewed on it a moment then Al Purdy said, “All right, Roy. I’ll ask. What’s the elephant in the room?”
We all stared at him until he spelled it out.
“He’s the prop!”
A collective “Whoaa!” as the lights went on around the room.
“He’s the prop.!“
“Boston University’s prop.”
“Corporate America’s prop.”
“White liberals’ prop.”
“It’s so obvious.”
“He’s so smart, he probably doesn’t even know it.”
“Or he does.”
After we’d digested it awhile, Roy called for a vote. It was unanimous, Uncle Tim included, because you just can’t mess with Lil’ Punkin.
And so, Ibram Kendi, you are a slam-dunk winner of WAZ 2020. Even as we celebrate your achievement, the membership regrets you were incapable of slipping your own racial chains long enough to write something constructive. Like Amy Coney Barrett is a terrible Supreme Court nomination because she’s liable to undo Roe v Wade. If you’d chosen to tie that to black people—great. Is there another group of women who’ll suffer the impacts of a return to coat hangers and back alley abortions more than poor, black women? Likewise you could have written about Republican hypocrisy of fast-tracking Coney Barrett at the end of Trump’s White House when they blocked the exact same scenario under Barak Obama. C’mon, you’re a Mellon Fellow after all, aren’t you? Instead you deflected the real issues and generated public sympathy and support for Amy Coney Barrett.
A few thoughts from the WAZ Committee
First: for you parents paying $75,000 a year to send your kids to Boston University: Why not save the money for four years, then hand your kid $300,000 and say, “Here. Don’t lose it.”
Second: for you young people going to Boston University. If you want to get along with black people, get out of BU and get into a trade where you’ll work side by side with them. Maybe start at a Community College for a quarter of the money BU costs. Donate what’s left over to apprenticeship programs for young people of all colors. White collar jobs are disposable but people will always need plumbing and electricity.
Third: Ibram, are you really that arrogant you believe white people make lifetime commitments to raising children to massage your opinion? Brace yourself, buddy. They don’t.
Fourth: Adopted children need love. They need family security. They don’t need bottom feeders calling them ‘props.’ Shame on you.
Fifth: Ibram, when are you going to give back all that white colonial prize money?
Congratulations, Ibram Kendi. We salute you. We think George Orwell would too. The Ministry of Love, the Ministry of Peace, the Ministry of Truth, The Department of Anti Racism.
*Editor’s note: This DOA appeared on multiple conservative websites. Wanting to give Kendi the benefit of the doubt, I sent him a query asking if he actually wrote that. Have not heard back from him. DC
Final word: Like Monica Cannon-Grant, Kendi lives in Massachusetts. Ira sends a big shout-out to both of them for bringing racial equity to that universal descriptor by which other New England states know people from Massachusetts. ‘Massholes.’ Before you two came along, he always thought of ‘Massholes’ as beefy white guys with red noses who cut you off on the pike, lay on Hampton Beach like sunburned elephant seals with beer coolers, and yell at the screen in the ‘bah’ when the Patriots/Red Sox/Bruins/Celtics score, or don’t score. Masshole: it’s in the Oxford English Dictionary and it’s not just for white folks anymore.