Black Racists of 2020
Winner Number 7. Robin DiAngelo
Our WAZ researcher for this week is Cosmo Fury. Born with a contact lens in his third eye Cosmo, even as a kid was what school teachers, if they were kind, called an alternative thinker. These days he grows some of the best marijuana in the Pacific Northwest, spends long winter nights studying Bodhicitta in Tibetan, and saves thousands of tons of oil by teaching people to build super efficient rocket mass heaters with local materials in Southeast Alaska.
Chairman Roy folded his hands in front of himself and said “Here we go, white penis, melanin jeopardizing, Random bashing, Colonial prop-adopting, European Jesus worshiping mutants who could be easily wiped out; you might be thinking that Black Racists of 2020 awards should only go to black people but au contraire. This evening we’re exercising our white privilege to present the coveted WAZ award to—white people!” He placed the bell in front of Cosmo and said, “Take it away, venerable one.”
Cosmos flicked the bell. Bwoooiiinnnnng. “Wow. That’s beautiful, ain’t it? Sound cleanses the primordial mind if you let it. If you guys have any questions while I’m talking feel free to put them out there.” he said.
“To understand this thing, you have to go back fifty years to Robert McNamara.”
“You mean go back so we could shoot him for all that killing in Vietnam?” Tommy asked.
Cosmo rolled his eyes. “No man. I mean in 1970, when he was president of the World Bank. Way back then McNamara said there were 500,000,000 of what he called, ‘marginal men’ in the world. He meant women, too. All extraneous with no reason for being as far as capitalism was concerned. And he predicted there would be a billion or them in 1980, and two billion ten years after that.”
“Now we’re heading for eight billion people on the blue marble and more than half of us don’t really have anything to do. Don’t grow food. Don’t make clothes, or baskets, or barns. So much of this negative energy sloshing around is coming from that half that’s freaking out because they got nothing to do. So, they’re trying to be relevant, you know? And they’re being funded by CEO’s gone wild in an age of lawless land and water grabs. You guys have been talking about black people cashing in on this, and they are, but when you think about it, a lot of white people aren’t going to listen to black people. So, if you’re a CEO, what do you do? Maybe you figure you need some white people to start moving that liberal part of the herd away from where it might do some damage to the bottom line. It’s a niche market.”
“I know these talks are supposed to be about last year” he said. “but as I was writing this up this week, literally as I was sitting there writing about Robin DiAngelo, I got preempted by Robin DiAngelo going viral in the news. Coca Cola used her model to tell their employees to try to be less white and it blew up.”
“Be less white?” Ira said.
“Yeah, man. Mandatory training. Less white. My favorite comment was that the white people from Coca Cola should show up in black-face.”
Sonny said, “If they had a mandatory training telling black people to be less black I wonder if anyone would notice.”
“If Coca Cola really cared about black people, it seems they’d stop selling them Coca Cola.” Roy said, “Given that black people have the highest levels of obesity, hypertension, diabetes and all.”
“Back to Robin.” Cosmo said. “She has a PhD in Multicultural Education, whatever that means. She’s an affiliate Associate Professor of Education at UW Seattle, whatever that means. She wrote a book called, “White Fragility.” Hey Gene, what does fragility mean?”
“Fragility: Gene said, “Noun. The quality of being easily broken or damaged.” Cosmo shook his head. “Wrong, man. In Robin DiAngelo’s world. ‘white fragility’ is “the defensive reactions so many white people have when our racial world views, positions, or advantages are questioned or challenged.” She says ‘white fragility’ isn’t weakness. White fragility is ‘weaponized weakness’
“Wait,” Roy said. “Weaponized weakness?”
“Right, ‘The weakness is just how little it takes to trigger it. But the impact is not weak at all. It’s a powerful means of white racial control.’”
Al said, “I guess in Robin’s dimension, pretty much any way white people react to being accused of white fragility is proof of their white fragility.”
“Pretty much.” Cosmo said, “There’s a name for that, I think.”
“It’s called a Kafka Trap,” Gene said. “A rhetorical device in which any denial by an accused person serves as evidence of guilt.”
“So,” Sven said, “ If me and Ole go down there and tell some college kids we’re fragile Norwegians, how much money we lookin’ at?”
“Don’t know about square-heads, Sven, but Robin got $12,000 from the University of Kentucky for a two-hour racial justice keynote and breakout session. Not counting travel expenses, housing accommodations and meals. Oh, plus if you got to talk on the phone, it’s $320 an hour.”
“Well, that makes sense.” Sven said. “Can’t be tying up the phone in case the cold storage calls.”
“The University of Connecticut is paying her $20,000 for a three day retreat.” Cosmo said.
“Given that the median annual income for a black family in this country is around $40,000.” Roy observed, “I’m going to guess I’m not the first one to point out this white woman can make more in a few hours running down white people, than a black family makes in a year.”
Cosmo laughed. “You’re a quick study, Fragile Boy. And Robin ain’t he only one singing ‘Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick’ on the honky circuit, either. You’ve got Tim Wise, who’s described as an Anti-Racist, Essayist, and Educator: fee range $10,000 – $20,000. speaking fees, endorsements, and/or marketing campaigns. I’m not sure if that’s what it sounds like, but maybe if we could afford it, Tim might endorse politically correct blunts, or woodpiles, or rocket stoves.
“Here’s a white lady named Peggy McIntosh who listed at $20,000-$30,000 for speaking. She’s from Wellesley College, that’s a girl’s school in Massachusetts.”
“Women’s school, Cosmo.” Tim said.
Cosmo laughed again, “I love to go swimmin’ with bow-legged women…” Then he said, “Wellesley’s a campus with a $2.2 billion endowment where women can talk about victimhood with a straight face and maybe become egg donors for the elites. Is this a great country or what? The best part about Wellesley, I don’t know if it’s still like this, but when I ran the Boston Marathon in the 1980’s Wellesley was the greatest running experience on earth. ‘Cause it’s halfway through the race between Hopkinton and Boston and—just when you feel like you’re ready to die—all of a sudden there’d be half a mile of screaming girls on both sides of the road about ten feet apart. That’s what running into heaven is going to be like. Let’s see, who else?”
Sarah Parcak and the whoo whoo girl on the monument
“Here’s a white woman from the University of Alabama where the average salaries for full-time instructional faculty run around $151,520 for nine months. Sarah Parcak’s her name. In addition to her salary and benefits, Sarah won a $1 million TED Prize in 2015, and she got a John Simon Guggenheim Award. That’s for being an anthropology professor dedicated to protecting “the world’s shared cultural heritage.”
“Whut’s wrong with protecting stuff?” Sonny asked.
“Nothing.” Cosmo said. “If you’re okay with her telling people how to topple monuments in the south they may not find politically correct. Including the statement, “…There might be one just like this in downtown Birmingham! What a coincidence. Can someone please share this thread to the folks there.”
“You mean the monuments to the dead?” Sonny growled. “An anthropologist told people how to pull them down?”
“Yeah, man. And more.”
Tommy O’Brian spoke up. “I walked on the Great Wall of China, once. A million slaves and war prisoners died building that. Is Sarah going to pull that down?”
“I guess it’s on the block if she’s going to be consistent. She’s into ancient obelisks; which are giant, penis shaped monuments to oppression and slavery. The Egyptian ones have carved tablets of who they conquered and enslaved that had to pay tribute to them. Caligula brought the Vatican Obelisk to Rome. He was crazy as a shit-house rat. Slavers used to go out with the Roman army and buy defeated guys right off the battlefield. So I guess Sarah should pull down every Obelisk in Rome. And the Coliseum, of course. What do you think, Tony?”
Tony thought the Italians might have a problem with that.
“But here’s Sarah telling people how to pull down obelisks. Not everyone got the memo though.” Cosmo said. “That’s how it is with mobs. They don’t listen. Like that mob in Portsmouth, Virginia with the white ‘whoo whoo’ girl on the monument. That was just a couple days after Sarah posted that how-to.”
“Oh, yeah.” Tony said. “I saw that white girl. She was in a tube top sitting on the Confederate monument.”
“The one with the sledge hammer,” Gene said. “Who was cheering when they pulled down the statue.”
“And in a split second she went from cheering to horrified with her hand on her mouth, like ‘Oh, my God! I can’t believe it.’ when the statue landed on the black guy’s head and split it open like a pumpkin.” Tommy said.
“Yep. Saw that, too.” Sonny said proudly, “Hunnert fifty-five years after Gettysburg our southern boys still got some fight in ‘em. Laughed my ass off.”
“I didn’t.” Roy said. “The media brushed how bad he was hurt under the rug, but that man got a broken neck. Fractured skull. Life changing injury. Trying to learn to walk again. Learning to feed himself. It’s wrong to laugh at a thing like that.”
“Well, it was stupid with two o’s standing under a statue they was pulling over with a rope, Roy.”
“Anybody here never done stupid that could have got him killed? Anybody?” Roy pointed at Sonny. “Like maybe doing chin-ups off the bridge, drunk, a hundred feet in the air?”
Gene said, “Or doing donuts on a motorcycle at the Seventh Day Adventist Church parking lot, wearing a life jacket, no clothes, no helmet?”
“I like to think of those things as a young man exploring himself.” Sonny said.
“No, man. That’s jacking-off.” Cosmo said, “But I’m going to have to agree with you that it’s wrong to defile monuments to the dead. Like, for example, our country, killed two and a half million innocent people in Southeast Asia. We started it. Not them. Today we have a memorial in Washington, D.C, to the 58,318 Americans who died in that war. When our politically correct version of the Chinese Cultural Revolution tries tearing that down you want to stay out of the way when a couple thousand veterans run out to beat them into sandwich spread.
“You think someone in this country would go after the Vietnam Memorial?” Al said.
“Why not?” Cosmo asked. “They ain’t satisfied with just pulling over Confederate statues anymore. They pulled over statues of your Union ancestors who died to free the slaves. They pulled down Abraham Lincoln’s statue in Portland, Oregon. Abraham Lincoln, who led the Union in a war to free black people and got assassinated for his trouble. At least half the vandals are white. It’s their own ancestors.”
“White politicians are leaning into the frame too, now that it’s politically expedient. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House has an estimated net worth of $114 million. She’s been San Francisco’s representative since the 1980’s. Nancy Pelosi’s district has food deserts in poor zones and parents in her district declared a state of emergency in 2020 because the black kids are so far behind in education. Does she hang her head in shame? Nah. She just ordered portraits of four former Confederates who served in congress to be removed.”
Sven nodded, “Nancy really cares about them black families.”
“Speaking of politicians,” Cosmo said. “Lincoln County, Oregon, is 90 percent white. Less than 1 percent black. Last summer they passed an ordinance that everybody had to wear masks because of Covid virus: except black people. The community didn’t care for that. Officials said, “We are shocked and appalled at the volume of horrifically racist commentary we have received regarding this policy exception.” They dropped it under pressure. Including from local black people who wanted everybody else to know it wasn’t their idea.”
“Remember those white yuppie kids in Evanston neighborhood in Chicago that Tony talked about. The ones the older black men threw out because they just made trouble for the neighborhood then left. That’s going on all over the place. And it’s not just yuppies. A used clothes place in Savannah, Georgia was charging white people, but not black people, $20 to come in look at clothes. They said that wasn’t racist.”
“Um, Cosmo. People in Georgia pay money to go look at old clothes?”
“Apparently so, Gene. Who knew? Nutty white people all over the country from white high school kids in Maine giving speeches through bull horns to that Seattle beer company, that put the ‘All Cops are Bastards’ acronym on their bottle caps, to white executives donating tax write-offs to black causes that they don’t even know what they stand for. If black people think we’re wacky, who could blame them? I say let’s lighten up on the WAZ and give one to white people.”
And so congratulations to outraged, selfie snapping, social justice dinner theater, high-toned collegiate white people. We’re sure you mean well but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. On the up side, knocking over a statue or carrying a sign supporting looters in a burned out black business district might look great on your resumes. When you get an interview, don’t forget to mention that in 2020 you were a proud winner of the illustrious WAZ Award.